Self
I’ve always wondered if people in history knew that they were experiencing something that future generations would learn about in school. Never did I expect myself to realize I am living during a time that will be taught in history classes a hundred years from now. A month ago, I would not have guessed that my life, while still smoothing out, would be ripped out from under me like a carpet.
College is hard. While I struggled with my adjustment to college, I realize now how much I actually took for granted. Being on my own, making my own choices, having freedom, not having a pair of eyes–or six– looking over my shoulder every minute, that was the most “me” I have ever felt. Being home brings back all the negative feelings, all the struggles I have felt my whole life. I would rather have to work through new struggles, like those of adjusting to this new environment, then be forced under the roof where my old struggles, those I have been unable to solve for my entire lifetime, resurface. I am drowned in the same feelings I had in high school, feeling nervous and anxious all the time. All the pain and stress from being trapped with the people who make me feel that I need to suppress my true feelings, thoughts, and self, surround me constantly.
Home is stressful. I would consider arguing that this may even be worse than high school in some ways. At least then, I had my teachers: people who cared for me, wanted me to be okay, checked in on me, and validated my feelings. At least then I had my friend: people who could distract me, wanted me to be happy, where people other than my family. At least then I had an escape. Now I sit here, stuck in my house, boiling over with anxious thoughts and feelings, all the while being told that “I have no reason to be sad; I have no reason to worry,” this is all some political scam anyway. Every day, about I cry, seeing the things I thought got better, because I didn’t have to see them anymore.
I am not happy. I am sure most people are not during this uncertain time. Hours of time spent thinking and meditating and processing about what is happening has taught me something about myself: happiness does not come from one’s situation, but one’s self. I realize now, if I want to see the worst in everything, I will see the worst in everything. I have taken for granted the blessings and good things in my life. There is goodness and opportunity in everything. My distraught feelings are understandable during my first few days at home, but that was before I took the time to learn and reflect.
Happiness is fragile. The forms of coping and self-help I have used in the past are not available anymore. I can’t see my friends; I can’t get out of the house. I can’t put a band aid on this wound of my situation, by temporarily changing it. I rely too heavily on the external for my internal feelings. I have been controlled by my situation, by those around me, by my grades or other’s opinions. I am able to see that now. I will always have something to deal with, which is why I cannot let myself be so affected by these things. I need my happiness to be rooted in myself.
The self is scary. I have spent years of my life bragging to others, trying to teach other, how I am a reflective individual. I have spent more time than most eighteen-year-olds sorting through my mind and heart to figure out who I am. The past couple years have been a time of self-discovery, as I had to question all of my parents’ beliefs, which in turn caused me to question everything I have ever been taught. Yet somehow, with all of this self-understanding, I am still not satisfied. Myself is not good enough to be a source of joy, and I still find myself so heavily affected by my situation.
Feelings are valid. But drowning by the weight of them will not change anything. Since far before this pandemic, I have had to learn how to be resilient, how to support others, and how to care for my own needs. These are not new struggles I have to deal with, just the same struggles in a new way. Life isn’t easy; it’s not going for me; it isn’t for most people. I know that now but complaining and waiting for my situation to change won’t get me anywhere. I hope to be able to take advantage of the opportunity of time, spent with myself to become a source of my own happiness.
